Confession of a Stubborn Christian

I am a Christian, however no matter how much that seems to define who I am and what I want to do with my life I often reject the things that first changed my life.  I’ll back up… at the end of my freshman year God hit me like a ton of bricks—bam!  Life for me was never the same and the Joy that fills every growing Christian seemed like it would never end… God was changing me and I was anxious for Him to.  By meeting with stronger Christians and reading the Bible the awesome presence and power of God was breath taking, everyday was better as I began to understand better who God was and His Purpose for my life.  It was the weight of my sin that was lifted off of me and made me feel like I could fly.  It’s like if you’ve ever been at the gym on a tread mill or bicycle—once you get off and start walking you realize how much extra resistance you had before because cause now you’re gliding to the water fountain.  Maybe that’s just me…  Wow! It was wonderful! I learned how to pray, how to study the Bible, how to lead a Bible Study, how to share my faith and bring people to Christ, and I learned a lot more about the World and People than they teach you in school.  My whole life changed, friends, lifestyle, what I did, and what I talked about.  More than ever my thought life; I cannot go a few hours without thinking about God in some way.  I discovered it is because I find my worth comes from Him, not that I always think that but because that’s what it always boils down to.

Today… I am not growing as a Christian.  I am going through a lot of changes, graduating college, getting married, looking for a job, and leaving good friends behind, but I’m in stalemate in my relationship with God.  Why?  Ha. I’m stubborn, God wants a deeper relationship with me than I ever imagined.  I have given up so much to know him, sure he has given me more than I imagined but… I’ve never given THAT much.  I ask… “Why can’t we just stay like this?”

In transforming me and revealing himself to me and developing an eternal relationship with me God wants to know me greater than I’m willing to let him.  Like Shrek, I to can be described as an onion—you know—with layers.  God, who wants to know me to the core is peeling off my layers… layers of sin.  Sin!  That my friend… that is what gets us all, that is why humanity is lost and does know God.  Sin is what separated us from God and Sin is what keeps us from knowing our purpose.  It blinds.  Well… back to the onion.  God has forgiven all the layers of sin but they still carry a consequence and part of that is they prevent man from seeing clearly God and knowing him as He is.  So God is in the process of tearing away those layers.  Some times it hurts but He so far in this life time He has always gotten the go ahead from us first.  It reminds me of a story in C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce.  The main character is in heaven and happens upon a man with a lizard on his shoulder just wandering around; which is strange because everyone else the main character has met from heaven is either coming to visit and persuade their friends from hell to stay in heaven with them or they are climbing a mountain to be closer to God on a joyous journey.  What is this poor fellow doing? It’s then that the main character observes a large and powerful angel approach the man to ask if he can kill the lizard, which turns out to be “lust.” After a long back and forth with the lizard talking in the man’s ear and the man afraid to kill it for fear it would hurt him, the Angel asks forcefully one last time and scared the man finally gives permission.  The Angel quickly kills the lizard which transforms into a beautiful and powerful horse which aids the man in climbing up the mountain.  It is amazing!  Lust the seeking of perverted beauty is transformed by God into something that seeks true beauty; something that hinders the man from knowing God into something that helps him know God.  Important to note He did it with the man’s permission.  That story speaks directly to me.  Yes, I struggle with lust but also with selfishness and so much more.  God has peeled off many layers and transformed many aspects of my life but He’s gotten to a layer that I cannot give permission and it hurts.  Stalemate, no one is moving.  The more I hold up the bigger and harder this layer seems to get.  I find myself living out these sins and facing the consequences.  I find my worth in God, so when I analyze myself and see what I do it hurts because I know it hurts Him… my Love.  Sin has gone deeper than I ever imagined when I first began… I’ve got to suck it up cause no one wins on a stalemate.

It hurts to be a Christian…
But He is so Beautiful!

Oh Lord, my God and my Love, no one knows me as you do. You know my innermost parts. Oh Lord, my God and my Love, no one loves me as you do.  Please destroy what sin corrupted and make new my desires. Show yourself to your Children; it is our purpose to know you but we cannot unless you transform us.  So open our eyes, teach us your ways, tear away our layers and lead us in the power of Your Holy Spirit. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.